Andrea Janda | littleREDelf
“Nirvana consists in the psychological stance
that makes you indifferent to suffering.
What is it that turns your life into nothing but suffering?
It is desire and fear –
desire for something, some delusory desire
and fear lest you should lose something.”
~ Joseph Campbell from Transformations of Myth Through Time
i have made my choice
and my choice is rapture.
i am in the center of neither winning
nor losing.
i am in BEING.
i hope i don’t bore you all
with the billion bugs
and the few thousand flowers.
should i go photograph buildings
or portraits
or industrial scenes
or road kill?
as a writer, i tend to write what i know
and what – photographers shoot what they see?
so YOU see what i SEE, i suppose.
and though i do have concepts
i have mostly fortunate scenery . . .
i see five acres of forest,
i see horses and trees and flowers
i see explosive colors everywhere
and everywhere i go i see
a picture.
today while driving i saw
a lightning storm
a rainbow
a row of trees
blinking on and off with
the million green lights
of fireflies
a once impeccable white classic car
with hanging fuzzy dice
badly wrecked on the side of the road.
and i wonder at how to capture it all.
and will i have time?
i am ready for Summer
i am ready to be warm
i am ready
i am ready
i am.
leaving Detroit today . . .
i think i made peace
and now — time is the helper
or the enemy.
well,
i’m in Detroit visiting family right now
spent time sleeping and pacing and weeping
in the ICU waiting room at William Beaumont hospital
i’m not certain my grandmother is going to make it,
but we shall see . . .
they intubated her, she’s having trouble breathing
and recovering from a stroke.
she’s a fighter and a strong woman.
and i must be strong for my own mother right now
as someday . . . i will have to do the same for her.
my boyfriend’s grandfather suffered a minor heart attack 2 days ago.
he went into invasive triple-bipass surgery yesterday.
meanwhile in Detroit MI,
my grandmother had trouble breathing,
they hospitalized her,
drew fluid off her lungs,
she went into Atrial Fibrillation
she went into renal failure
she went into dialysis,
her potassium levels went up
she stabilized, best she had been in months
but somwhere during AF, her body threw off blood clots
one of them wended its way up
she suffered a stroke.
she speaks slowly she speaks nonsense
she does not swallow
she may not recover
she may not live.
i do not know where to be right now.
gaw – what a great day i had yesterday!
a really laid back warm and wonderful birthday …
i woke up late didn’t shower until 3pm
took a nature walk,
washed my car . . . which always consists of pulling snails off the hood
and shooing spiders so i don’t blast them with the hose
and looking out for passing butterflies.
at 8pm i met a friend Jennifer for dinner and had an incredible meal:
baked brie with mango, strawberries, grapes and oranges, filet mignon with chive mashed redskin potatoes and grilled asparagus, a bottle of champagne, and for dessert, a chocolate truffle in pecans with a glass of 6-grape port, and an awesome coffee drink with real whipped cream, the stiff kind, not the fluffy stuff.
We had a window view overlooking a mouth of the Chesapeake Bay and watched a light show of heat lightning until the rain crashed in. i went to the valet who i told didn’t need to go get my car as i could see it, so instead he followed me out with an umbrella over my head for a walk and closed my door for me. Hug
afterwards we went back to her place and shared a bottle of shiraz and an endearing two-hour conversation.
Jennifer bought me a flowering tree called a crepe myrtle which is currently potted at 3ft but will grow to be 25 feet.
i love plants as opposed to flowers. as my boyfriend says “giving flowers is like cutting off the sex parts and handing someone a bouquet of penises, it’s best to be alive and keep growing” and i agree live plants . . . it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
then the topper — i came home and my boyfriend had a really nice gift for me: a 10 GB iPod! we had a good laugh about my love of little gadgets and how different i am in that i don’t want clothing or jewelry or perfume and how that makes it easier to buy for. and that he sees my appreciation for music and technology.
and then — some wonderful lovemaking <3
Have your cake and eat it too.
yup, it’s my Birthday.
well it is here on the East Coast
after midnite and so June 19th.
i’m 31.
Airborne
i plan on sleeping in
and having pancakes
with peanut butter AND maple syrup
some time with my darling
and some good wine with good friends . . .
finally!
27 days of rain in May
the longest April EVER . . .
and i go out and find
where the wild things are.